Embarkation

You have no idea what you are in for.

Today was embarkation, so we shuffled in and out, finally arriving at the ship, the MS Volendam (which from here on out I shall refer to as MS Voldemort). It’s the sort of cruise where EVERYTHING comes with a price tag. Not just stuff you expect, like alcohol and bathrobes, but juice and soda, specialty dining, a third of the stuff on the regular menu, wifi - it’s fucking ridiculous (just to do these posts, check my email, and download podcasts comes at the low, low price of $30 a day). Our room doesn’t have a mini bar, but we can rent one for $5 a day. When we were boarding one of the people loading the suitcases onto the carts was reminding people that he could be tipped. Or perhaps, they could PAY HIM A LIVING WAGE! I mean, if they treat their people so badly that they constantly have to constantly fish for tips, I don’t want to be part of that ecosystem. 

Maybe I was right with the name Voldemort. 

But we made it onto the ship, wrangling our optimistically labeled "carry on" luggage. We trucked up and down and finally found our room.

All that's missing is the floating candelabra


I was warned before we left to be sure and keep an eye on Mom in case she gets confused - change in situation, that kind of thing.

Y’all don’t know who you’re dealing with.

Mom: Where’re you going?
Me: Aft, to the restaurant.
Mom: I don’t think it’s that way…
Me: *gritting teeth* I’m pretty sure it is…
Both of us: *consult map*
Mom: *gleefully* Other way! Point to me!

Right now I’m still in the lead, points wise, but it’s a near thing. I should never have made that bet on how many people at dinner would wear baseball caps to the formal dining room.
Notice the impressive Sydney Greenstreet cosplay on the right

After dinner Mom and I decided to take in the opening night show and it was pure torture. There was so much disco fog that I could actually feel it coating the back of my throat.

Director: More fog. And cowbells!

And when my mom, who is not exactly Bob Fosse, comments on how repetitive the choreography was and how awful the music choices were, it’s not a good sign. We did, however, got introduced to the staff who would be making our stay “enjoyable AND educational.” 
Microsoft dude - “Let me teach you about Cortana, the assistant of the future.”
Didn’t they already try that with Clippy?



We had the maiden voyage of the scooter Mom is using for the trip - it’s stressful and hilarious in equal measure (although in all fairness, I think I’ve clipped more people with the wheelchair. Damned points). 

Mom: *hangs up scooter on corner* *gets flustered*
Me: Your left tire is caught - just ease back and right a little...
Mom: Ok *punches it*
Other passengers: RUN!

It was also amusing watching her go along the people lined up for muster. Outside of the Bolshoi Ballet, I’ve never seen a line of people go en pointe so fast.

Also, somehow the machine seems to end up parked in the middle of paths. I would swear we eased it off to the side but when I turn my back the damned thing has moved. It’s like an Evil Herbie. 

We finished the day at the Bon Voyage celebration, which was pretty damned underwhelming. But at least we had champagne. 
Bon Voyage!


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