Bitches Be Trippin

Today we saw (very, VERY briefly) Cartagena. The ship, in its wisdom, decided that 5 hours in Colombia is plenty. To be fair, the trip from Cartagena to the canal is a long one, and if you want to do the transit in one day (it takes a bit over 8 hours) you have to get out in a timely fashion. Unfortunately, Cartagena is worth far more than a five hour trip. Considering the time constrictions we opted for a horse drawn tour of the old town. It's interesting to observe the underlying network in operation. Who knows who, who is allowed to sell stuff to the tourists and where, etc. The local tour operator is the top dog in the ecosystem, since they ok who approaches the tour to sell stuff, But it's hard listening to old white dudes talk to the black workers so they can show how not-prejudiced they are. This dude in front of me is having this peace and love moment ("it doesn't matter who you are, it's about the job you do") while less than 15 minutes prior he...

We have two days at sea before we land in Cartagena, a city I know only from Romancing the Stone. All I need are tiny liquor bottles in my purse First real full day at sea and a Sunday, so Sunday brunch was called for. It slotted in easily after morning stretch and shine, port talk, the food talk, etc. After all, brunch is delicious and hard to ruin. At least I thought, until faced with a piece of bread rumored to have relations with an avocado, sitting on a mountain of arugula and in the company of people who found it awful how young people these days don’t think of saving for retirement.   There are lots of interesting, enjoyable people onboard your average cruise. These people weren’t among them. There is not enough alcohol in the world to make people like that interesting. So I sat there, with my pile of arugula and empty glasses, wishing for an iceberg in the middle of the Caribbean so perhaps these peoples exteriors could match up with their interior (I’ll spel...

Our ship, from the cay. Somewhere in the afterlife, Bruce Ismay is getting an erection Our first port of call was Half Moon Cay. As a natural feature, it’s actually pretty interesting. I would have loved to have someone to ask about the native ecosystem, invasive species, reef ecology, etc. As it was, it did not get off to a great start. After getting Mom on the tender, I realized that we forgot the special towels (available to purchase for the low low price of $23) and asked the crew if I could hurry back and get them. “Of course!” they said, so I dashed to the room and back.   Of course, the tender left without me. So now Mom is stranded, unsteady on her feet, on the far shore. I went to DEFCON 5 in a snap. Me: You took my 89 year old, mobility challenged, hard of hearing mother to the Cay after promising to wait?!? Staff: Ummm…oops? I really didn’t want to take my anger out on the tender staff, who were obviously on contract (“Be sure to tip!”) with...

You have no idea what you are in for. Today was embarkation, so we shuffled in and out, finally arriving at the ship, the MS Volendam (which from here on out I shall refer to as MS Voldemort). It’s the sort of cruise where EVERYTHING comes with a price tag. Not just stuff you expect, like alcohol and bathrobes, but juice and soda, specialty dining, a third of the stuff on the regular menu, wifi - it’s fucking ridiculous (just to do these posts, check my email, and download podcasts comes at the low, low price of $30 a day). Our room doesn’t have a mini bar, but we can rent one for $5 a day. When we were boarding one of the people loading the suitcases onto the carts was reminding people that he could be tipped. Or perhaps, they could PAY HIM A LIVING WAGE! I mean, if they treat their people so badly that they constantly have to constantly fish for tips, I don’t want to be part of that ecosystem.   Maybe I was right with the name Voldemort.   But we made it onto t...

My mom, who is a generous and wonderful person, loves to travel and has included her children and nieces on an assortment of adventures. This is my turn.   After spending the evening drinking scotch with my brother-in-law, I got up bright and early to go with my sister to pick up my mom and board the plane to Ft. Lauderdale, Florida.   We flew out of Sacramento on Southwest - a nine hour trip. Southwest is your basic shit sandwich. The flights are cheap, the crew is always friendly and sometimes genuinely funny, and they get you there.   But - The first come, first serve seating: we had Mavis in a wheelchair, so we had the advantage. But the tension around seating made the atmosphere boarding the plane like the scene in Do The Right Thing - one wrong move and that place blows like a powder keg.   Food: Neither of us realized that there was no food on the flight, not until we saw people boarding with bags of Popeye’s Chicken that we realized the...